violetsalem

Alright , so , Im Alive.

I ended up in therapy , and was diagnosed with Severe Clinical Depression and Anxiety . I just started my Celexa today , so who knows. Going to therapy 3 times in May  and shes going to work with me on pretty much my whole life , including why i gained alot of weight , with eating. Filling my void . ect.

On monday I started working out , and food journaling because that seems to work for me best. Im feeling more positive and because of the working out im feeling healthier even if its only been a couple days.

Anyways , Im feeling kind of anxious right now , but i cant wait to work out later .

I feel extremely ashamed and embaressed of myself , its all I think about . I wont let anyone see me this way , I feel like the most disgusting person on the planet. I cant stand the thought of having my family or any friends i use to have see me . Everynight I go to bed thinking of how life would be if I was comfortable and thin , how much fun I could have & how happy I could be. The thing that makes me feel like honestly the most horrable person on the planet ,My boyfriends mother passed away on sunday and I couldnt even bring myself to go with him to her funeral .. Even when he begged me.

I feel selfish and pathetic , fat and disgusting.  Alot of factors , factored into me not going (I didnt know her for one and it was private)  but the biggest one being how i feel of myself, i felt like i would embarress him .

wow i need help.

Alright , so this week has been pretty horrable , specially for my Boyfriend .

Yesterday he found out his mom has terminal lung cancer ….3 to 6 months to live.  ITs really affecting how I eat , im not eating horrable but I guess im eating a little more than what I consider a diet ( 1000 cals a day) .  Im having a hard time , with what to say , i have no idea how to talk to him about this , all I can do is try to listen and understand .

 I personally have alot of experience with lots of different  tragedys , but death is something that has yet to touch me (other than my beautiful dog rolly & buster the bunny) . I need help , how do  I help him? What do I say ? What can I say to make him feel okay for a moment …. Whats going to happen with the grief ?

I can only imagine how I would feel without my mother , its unbearable and to be honest I highly doubt I would even make it through that alive , at this point in my life. (thats not a cry for attention , its just simply the truth i could NOT live without her )

Anyways I guess im blabbering on , Hes left for the weekend , to hang out with his sister and see his mom at the hosptial . So im all alone with my thoughts …until tonight when I go home to my mommys and treasure every second i have with her.

 God why ?

Oh and I must mention my boyfriend is a Athiest , so there is no way to comfort him with Heaven , God & such … even though i really do belive thats where she will be.

more blabbering.

Yesterday i slipped up big time (salt and vinegar chips & sorbert) I think its becuase i didnt write down my food in my journal and didnt keep track .. that really helps me .. And also i just REALLY wanted salt …. /sigh . I look at today as a new day and feel better , worked up a huge all over body sweat with my work out and have been eating healthy .

Anyways heres the TMI Its it just me or does anyone else have to go to the bathroom REALLY BAD after  you have worked out (like right away dash to the can type thing) , it happens almost everytime , its really odd.

is it because im not use to working out ?

no idea.

Well , I woke up this morning and could barely walk to the bathroom , my calves are so tight and sore . I guess my workout yesterday did something to my legs : (

SoI wont and cant do my cardio today .. but ill get in my arm work with weights and abs to.

/sigh worked myself to hard i guess

So , I just got out of the shower , after my very first work out in a long time , I wasent able to get through the entire dvd (its a mix of cardio , kick boxing and weights )  but i did pretty well and sweat it up .

Anyways , when I got out I accidently saw myself in the mirror … oh the horror …I now have stretch marks on my STOMACH!!! just right under my belly button , ughhh!

Now , I went to school for Esthetics and know all about skin and its various disgusting conditions lol , so I know they cant really be rid of , which bothers me something feirce!

I can only assume this happened because of my rapid weight gain in the last month *tear*

Anyways , what I want to know to ease my mind is , Ladies that have stretch marks , when you started to loose the weight did u see your stretch marks start to fade and shrink to the point that they were no longer noticeable?

Oh how I hope!

….I cant imagine what I will look like when I have a baby.. Freaking road map..Oh well . Some people are prone and it looks like I am .

Also , has anyone tried Bio Oil ? Thoughts?

Hey everyone , so i fell down down down

Crash and burned you could say

gained a bunch of weight to put me up at 227 , the highest of my entire life .oh dear god.

…….. im just way over feeling this shitty and uncomfortable wtih myself , im far to young and pretty to be fat any longer! Ive always been and im just so done with it .

Anyways my biggest motivation is my little sister , me and her had a big talk this weekend which led her into making me weigh myself and actually TELL HER what i weighed! That is just insane for me! Im okay with telling people i dont know but someone i do scared the shit out of me.

Anyway the good part is , she told me she weighed about 10 pounds more than i do now , last year when she started on her own (AMAZING) weightloss journey .  My sister lost 80 pounds in 6 months ! wholey shit , im so proud of her! She told me all about how happy she is now , and i can really see it , shes doing so much and having alot of fun .. oh man im just so proud of her  & i want that all for me.

Anyways  im pretty much on the Kara  weightloss plan . Today is the first day ,  im eating my plain yogurt and bran, working out later to my two dvds The firm and another one i dont know the name of.

 time to reset the weightloss meter thing /sigh ashameddd

I feel like I want to write a little more about myself , even if no one reads it , i know it will make me feel a bit better.

Ive grew up in a Trailer Park with my mom & little sister , my dad left my mom for her best friend who was also our neighbour . I was about 5 I belive , my mom being a single mom without a job (she adventually obviously got one we were not a welfare family!) even though i would not of been ashamed if we were. Anyways , We grew up on cereal , kraftdinner with weiners and zoodles . My mom never really cooked for us , she hates it and still does lol. When my sister kara and i started to visit my dad and his girlfriend (my mom best friend) theyw ould feed us so much food , like i mean everything you can think of , everything we didnt get at home wtih our mom. To my dad , if u could eat and i mean eat alot that amde him proud. By all means i wanted him to be proud of me, never wanted him to not love me or not want to see me. So, i would eat and eat , out eat him even sometimes, he was so proud of me and loved to tell everyone about how much his little (but gettin fat) girl could eat. Food was a huge deal! As a ltitle girl i did absoluetly everything to make sure he was never mad at me , ive always been very afraid of him. My dad is a huge 260 pound man 6′5 bald with a goatee , he also was a or seemed to be a very deeply Christian man .. Which of corse ment that i also belived everything he did , including that Black people were disgusting lazy people, gay people were the scum of the earth and all deserved to die among many other things. I was a very brainwashed child,totally devoted to makin sure he never left me again.

Unfortunatly , the entire time , he was molesting my family.i never knew. until my older step sister told , her mom did not care , she simply put a lock on her bedroom door and told her not to tell the cops. Adventually my younger sister told the police and my dad went to prison.

This was 4 or 5 years ago.

 When that happend , i died. Everything i belived in was a lie. My Hero.. wasent at all who he made himself ot to be. It is truely the most devestating thing that has ever happened to me. THe only thing that will hurt more is when my mother leaves this earth. Anyway, depression consumed my life i was 14 when this happened , dropped out of highschool and literally became nothing, i ate and ate and ate until i was the most disgusting and fat i had ever been. I didnt care.

evne though its been 5 years, and my dad dosent speak to me (surprisingly i love my dad very much despite what anyone thinks)i realyl cant explain how ifeel to anyone and have them understand it ,but anyways

Now a days i cry everytime i watch a commercial or a tv show with a father and daughter relationship, it could be anything at all, jst a little girl gettin a hug from her dad.. water works time. My boyfriend is so use to it now, its sad.

thats just a bit about my experience so far. i cant belive m only 20 years old lol I really hope my life is just nothing be up from here because if not im pretty much dead.

Ahh im sorry its so long. dont worry about it if u dont read it

<3 try to smile ladies

wow. what a couple of weeks…

eating like shit makes me feel like shit , i really dont like it… my skin feels so disgusting i feel very disgusting and fat .I think i deprived myself way to much and then once Halloween came i just went nuts , thats whats weird about me i always take things to the extreme i need help with balancing things , like working out and eating healthy , i either workout alot all hte time and eat nothing , or i dont work out and eat whatever i feel like .

Anyways im starting back up , i need support !! Help !

Im eating subway for supper tonight , vegetarian sub . Mmmm.

i just gotta say, i get really upset when skinny girls , even just skinny people, have to tell me about how they can eat whatever they want and never workout in there life and look 100% perfect no matter what.

My bf is soooo thin and tall he could literally eat junk and sugar and fat all day and not put on a once. His sister was a model, and is also perfect looking /sigh.

I HATE IT

i cant stand it. I have a beautiful face , i  know that , but its never been enough.

im just sad and sick and sore right now

rannntt